we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
