You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
