I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
