We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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