I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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