How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
