Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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