pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
