if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
