It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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