checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
