I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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