just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
