I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
