they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
