She just used a chaser for red wine.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
