He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
