all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
