if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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