i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
