Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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