my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
