I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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