The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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