Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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