Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
