just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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