i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Every concussion has its silver lining
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
