I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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