When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
