Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
