Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
