to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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