Fine. I'll sleep in my office
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
