Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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