I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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