you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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