Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
