They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
