used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
