the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
