mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
