Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
