I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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