Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
