I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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