I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
