she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
