Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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