Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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