if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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