You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
